... when you seem to be enjoying everything life is giving you, but that one thing you want so desperately is no where in sight?
... when people close to you are happy and you are happy for them, but you just want to shut yourself up in a room and never come out?
... when your innate sense to protect yourself makes you laugh on the outside, when you would rather just cry?
... when the fine line between solitude and loneliness fades ever so often?
... when a nice honest-to-God tantrum can probably set things right?
... when little failures seem huge and thoughts spin out of control?
... when you know that your troubles are not troubles at all, but the tears won't stop?
... when you sleep half the day away, and the only regret you have when you wake up is that you had to wake up?
... when you can't find words to express yourself and any attempt to do so only makes a mockery of you?
... when you know you are being petty and pathetic, but you can't find a way out of that vicious circle of thoughts?
... when you realise that no one can probably feel what you're feeling and you know that you are now old enough to figure it out by yourself... but can't?
Going about her day,
Her life on track - a myriad of all shapes,
She thinks about the only missing piece
And a little sigh escapes.
Somewhere in the world, momentarily confused,
He pauses in his life.
The people who know me, know me as a particularly non-squeamish person. I don't get scared (enough) watching a horror movie. I don't cry during movies (except for Taare Zameen Par or other similar stories with kids in it). However, it might come as a surprise to you all that after landing at ISB, I have throatily vented my emotions atleast thrice already - each time incited by a different kind of wildlife.
The first occasion was when I paid my respects to a lowly fat rat. Both rat and the security personnel walking behind me got the scare of their lives as they scampered to their own safe places, leaving me deserted and looking very foolish.
Then, it was when Chandni killed a common cockroach and was threatening to place the lifeless form on me. In fact, it was amusing to see how roles reversed in those few minutes. While the cockroach was alive, it and I were calm and composed, respecting each other's private space. Then, Chandni saw it and all hell broke loose. Chronologically, the cockroach then paid the ultimate sacrifice followed by Chandni's threats and my helpless screams.
The most recent time was this afternoon when I saw an ant-eater. We were returning from a conference and I was sitting in the front passenger's seat of the cab when I saw this huge iguana-like creature majestically strolling across the road. I mutely pointed at it and the driver, in a state of panic or sadism, turned the wheel towards it. When I realised the fate rushing towards the ant-eater, I screamed. Yet again. This time, I alarmed the driver and the other two passengers sitting behind. Anyway, long story shot - ant-eater ambled slowly to safety while the driver kept assuring me that the car wouldn't have harmed it anyway because it is a tough animal... This would probably be another take-away for me - the ability to express myself when faced with my fears ;)
One of the most interesting outcomes of working or living in a high-pressure situation is getting to observe people and behaviour at uncomfortably close quarters. There are some who get bogged down by the facade and withdraw into themselves, while some get more aggressive and offensive. And then there are those, who try hard at being what they are and barely managing to stay within the limits of sanity. Particularly amusing are the knee-jerk reactions to spam mails during exam times. Somehow, people manage to ignore the multitudes of mails hitting them throughout the term. And then, it is suddenly end of term and a hapless individual decides to send an otherwise-politically-incorrect joke to the whole student community and pays for it dearly, when a whole thread of mails is spawned with some people on either sides of the line. I am guessing that this focus of attention was rivalled only by the last term's debate of dunking vs swimming pool hygiene. (No - Don't ask!)
The author herself is not free of faults. :P My constant rants are now finding another creative outlet. A friend and I have launched a comic strip on campus which scores high on context and sarcasm. More on that, later. For now, I must begin to pretend to study. I have my end-terms on Monday. Au revoir!
Our life's too busy
With lots happening.
The pace promises
to never keep slackening.
Commitments to keep,
Loads to read.
And then aim to emulate
examples who lead.
Pop-quizzes and exams
with alarming regularity.
Meetings and sessions you attend
Hoping for some clarity.
Career, job options, dream jobs.
And then a nagging worry of the loan.
Jamming sessions, high on 'spirits'.
Followed by bright sunny mornings when you moan.
Words of wisdom passed along.
"Introspect", "Identify", "Do what you like".
A mad rush to do everything you can.
Anything - to get that "spike".
Forgotten the real reasons,
That essay written with conviction; that clause.
Struggling to keep up like Superman.
Ultimately losing out on the cause.
Pause.
